Stalemate
by Terri16
Summary: Loving Lex isn’t simple it’s messy, complicated, all consuming and completely destructive.


**Title: **Stalemate

**Author: **Terri

**Rating: **K+

**Disclaimer: **Smallville and all related things do not belong to me.

**Spoilers: **None.

**Summary: **"Loving Lex isn't simple; it's messy, complicated, all consuming and completely destructive."

**A/N: **I haven't really written a fic quite with this tone before, so any feedback would be welcome. This is up at Rapture and Hazardous (as soon as I send it off).

* * *

Loving Lex isn't simple; it's messy, complicated, all consuming and completely destructive. There are moments, she admits, in which he is tender and kind and in those moments she doesn't want to be anywhere else but with him. In those instances he is exactly how she dreamt her fairytale prince to be, most of the time he is not that man though. Nights after long business meetings, or hard takeovers he comes home and is silent. He heads to his office, stopping only to kiss her briefly, and broods. On the days that his father has been to see him Lex is always so afraid of Lana finally discovering the Luthor (evil) in him that he doesn't even come home. Then there are the other days – the ones on which Lana cannot predict his behaviour at all. These are the days when he sees Clark.

She loves Lex, more than she's ever loved anything ever. But sometimes she doesn't like the man he has become. Lana sits for hours on the days after Clark, deciding whether she should stay or go. The choice, the argument, the list of pros and cons that she develops, are all useless in the end – it is merely an illusion of a choice, one that she needs more than she realises. Without it she does not know what would happen. There is no other answer than the one she picks every time: she stays. She cannot leave, without her Lex will destroy things, himself, her, Superman, he has the potential to destroy the world.

Thinking back, she cannot pinpoint the exact moment when she came to the conclusion that she no longer loved Clark. She can, however, remember the precise moment in which she realised she loved Lex. It had been an ordinary Smallville day; there wasn't anything spectacular to report. Clark had slipped off somewhere again and Lana had been left to amuse herself. Her plan had been to sit and read and wallow. Halfway through her first book of choice (one she needed to finish) Lex had accosted her seemingly from nowhere. After subtly inquiring about Clark's absence he'd made several phone calls and cancelled all his meetings for the day. The amended plan was that the two of them would sit and read together – without the wallowing, Lex had demanded.

Lex had told his secretary he was not to be disturbed for the day and right then, in that moment, Lana had been overtaken by such an immense feeling that she hadn't been able to decipher it for a few seconds. He had put the phone down and turned to her with a full-blown smile on his face. She'd wanted to throw her arms around him and tell him that she loved him for always being a constant in her life. Too many people had been too quick to leave her in the past and Lex had never been one of them. There were other reasons, ones she hadn't discovered until later, why she loved Lex, but it was that one thought which made her realise it. Since then, Lana's name had been synonymous with Lex and for the past 5 years she's carried his name: Luthor.

Clark's been ringing her lately, begging for her to meet him somewhere. She refuses every time, tells him in no uncertain terms that she cannot see him. Lex is not insecure by nature; on the contrary, he his one of the most confident men she's ever met. Clark, she knows, brings out feelings and issues in Lex that he's never really had to deal with before. Lana had been Clark's and Clark was good – Clark was Superman. Lex worries constantly that he has made too many wrong decisions in his life for Lana to want to be with him. Lionel is in his blood, hammering away beneath the surface, waiting for him to finally become the cold-hearted, ruthless son he has tried so hard to create. Some days after seeing Clark all he wants to do is prove to Lana that he is not Lionel, that he is worthy of her love. She knows, though, that on other days he simply wants to stop fighting and give into everybody else's perceptions of him.

Those are the days on which she contemplates leaving him.

In her head the arguments never change, she cannot come forward with anything else that would make her stay and she does not involve herself in Lex's business. Therefore nothing pushes her into leaving. The various reasons are stagnant, forever unchanging. She is secretly thankful for this, because she knows if anything were to change, then loving Lex would be heartbreaking. Clark e-mails her, writes her, texts her, anything to get her to listen to him. She doesn't even pretend to think about reading what he has written or opening an e-mail, she knows that within his words are pleas for her to leave Lex. And with those pleas there will be facts, evidence, which tells her that Lex is really a bad person. Lana has been avoiding the truth for so long that she is not ready for the cold reality, she will never be ready and so she deletes, burns and erases everything Superman ever sends her.

Before she can think another thing, ponder on another reason, the front door opens and closes unceremoniously. Closing her eyes resignedly, she tries to remember what kind of day this is – if he told her before he left. She draws a mental blank and slowly heads out to greet him. He is standing, waiting for her, in the main foyer, his eyes trained on the entrance he knows she will come from. Lana lets her eyes meet his, he is breathtaking in his beauty and, although she thought it impossible, she loves him even more today than she did yesterday. She does not know when over-used clichés became a part of her repertoire.

Meeting him, he kisses her and in it she can feel how much he loves her. It is tender but insistent, the slight force behind it is the only sign of desperation that she know he loves her. The kiss is brief and he's gone before she can truly savour it – it is a bad meeting day. A single tear escapes her and she clutches her hand into a fist. It is then that she notices he has placed an object there. Looking at it she sees that it is a key taped to a rose. The rose is white and the key has only one letter on it 'O'. It is the key to his office – the one in which he locks himself in to brood. The tears fall fully now and she does not know how to stop them.

Moments like these make it onto her list of pros and cons. She crumbles a little and then stands up straighter as she realises there is one more reason to stay. It has been nearly seven years since she started loving Lex. Loving Lex is not simple, it is messy and complicated, it consumes her and destroys her. It is the easiest thing she has ever done. She will not stop.


End file.
